


You Were Supposed To Be Kissing Me

by orphan_account



Series: Big Sad [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Character Death, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad, just sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 04:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20901962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: So I recently finished Carry On, and the next day got Wayward Son (I just finished it). This oneshot is entirely based off of he quote: "Simon Snow will die kissing me. Just not today." From Carry On.I'm so so sorry.





	You Were Supposed To Be Kissing Me

Simon Snow was supposed to die kissing Baz. That was what was supposed to happen. But it didn’t. Instead, when Simon fell down, he didn’t get back up. 

  


And Baz had promised, to himself at least, that Simon Snow would die kissing him. And he wasn’t able to keep that promise.

  


All he could do was weep over his body, and scream his name, hoping that heartbreak alone would bring him back. But it wouldn’t. Not that day. Not two years later. Not ever.

  


Because when Simon Snow gave the Insidious Humdrum all of his magic, he gave his life along with it. When Simon Snow destroyed the Humdrum, he destroyed himself as well.

  


And Simon just lay there, his wings splayed out below him, and his tail wrapped loosely around his leg. And it was all wrong. Simon Snow was supposed to survive, and have his happily ever after. But then again, The Mage was supposed to be good, so who knows?

  


The point is, Baz wasn’t kissing Simon Snow when he died. They weren’t kissing when the life left Simon’s beautiful blue eyes. They weren’t kissing when his body went limp, and he was simply no more.

  


...

  


Even now, two years later, while Baz is at work on December 24, 2017, he’s trying to hold it in. All of the emotions. He knows that it’s not until tomorrow, two years after Simon Snow died, that he should have to hold it all in. He knows he shouldn’t be this worked up about it.

  


But he can’t even bear to talk about Simon without breaking down sobbing, especially around Penelope. 

  


The two of them moved to California together after Simon died. As much as Baz wanted to be able to see his grave every day, he also needed to get away. So the two of them rented out an apartment in LA, and started taking college classes.

  


Two years later, and Baz is working at a coffee shop. Because he’s still hung up on Simon.

  


“Here’s your order, ma’am.”

  


Baz takes the cup of hot coffee off of the tray and places it onto the table in front of him, then waits for the woman to thank him before walking off to see what his next order will be. 

  


It’s the same every day. His life is boring without Simon in it. It’s all just routine. Nothing else.

  


Wake up. Think about Simon. Drink coffee. Try not to cry. Go to work. Try not to think about him. Go home. Avoid Penelope. Try not to cry some more. Think about Simon. Sleep. Repeat.

  


He stopped expecting to wake up to Simon laying in bed next to him a while ago, because that part finally settled in.

  


But he never stopped seeing Simon in the crowds of people he makes coffee every day, and all he feels is grief.

  


That’s all his life is anymore. Grief and coffee.

  


And the worst part is that Baz never got to tell Simon Snow how deeply, irrevocably in love he was with him, and now he’ll never get the chance to.

  


The next day Baz breaks down sobbing as soon as he wakes up. He calls in sick that day. Simply because all he can seem to do is sob. And at some point Penelope came into the room and set a cup of tea on his bedside table, she was more over Simon than Baz would ever be, and he takes a sip, but at this point it’s cold on his lips, and it only reminds him of Simon’s cold, cold, hands when he kissed them one last time, and he breaks down sobbing again.

  


And then he stops calling in altogether, and he just doesn’t arrive. All he does is sleep and eat and lay in bed doing nothing, because this is what his life has come to.

  


_ Simon Snow. My world used to revolve around you. I suppose it still does. Even after your flame has gone out, your memory burns bright inside me. I intend to carry on like I know you’d want me to. But first I need time. I don’t know how long. I thought we could have a happily ever after. But now… now I know that won’t happen. I’ll never have that. Not now. Not ten years from now. Sure, I might meet some bloke I fall in love with, but it won’t be the same. Nothing will ever be the same, Simon. Because I love you, and I’ve been in love with you since I was twelve. Not that I knew it then, but I was hopelessly in love with you for six years, and even in the end it was you who kissed me. I love you. And I’ll never stop. _

  
  
  
  



End file.
